Thursday, July 5, 2007

Today is not Monday


I got back from my 3week visit to Lagos on Saturday. The journey took all of ten hours and I think I suffered some nerve damage from all that sitting down. You've heard of dumb-ass now here comes numb-ass...I wish I could fly especially as it's been a while since any plane fell out of the sky in these parts. we thank God.

Port Harcourt hasn't changed much...same old same old. Traffic. Rain. Parties. Violent crime. Beautiful women. Craters in the road. Native soup (loaded of course,with an assortment of seafood...delish!). Money-hungry girls. Control Babas. Demented okada riders. Politcal Intrigue. Fresh fish peppersoup.

At least ASUU has called of the strike so we can get on with it. Person don dey old for dis school. It's going to be a hectic semester and a-half squeezed into a couple of months, but I think I'll live.

Lagos was interesting. Bridges. Amala. Nice clubs. Stinking gutters. Huge campaign billboards (take them down already!). Icecream. Suya. Molues. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Effizzi. Hustlers. Yahoo boys. Suya again. Radio. Lagoon. New money. Hasta La Vista baby, but I'll be Back!

Apparently, the people there dress up to the nines just to visit the mall. There was casual old me surrounded by men, women, and children in designer gear. Girls in tapered jeans, twelve-inch heels, and huge Gucci shades. The joke was them. There's no excuse for being overdressed in the mall, whether it's The Palms or anywhere else. There was this particular lady with make up that gave the word highbrow a whole new meaning. But then again, I guess they don't refer to Lekki as being highbrow for nothing.

It felt good to be able to wear my clothes without thinking too much about the colour. I can't do that in school. Apparently, almost every colour in the colour spectrum is the adopted 'flag' of one cult or the other. We innocents can not risk being wrongly identified just because you wear a certain combination of colours. It's impossible and ridiculous.



  • no wear red and black o! you know say na those people wey get school now.

  • hmmm, dis your yellow shirt fit put you for problem my guy.

  • shoo, na wa oh which one you wear black and white when you no be law student abi you don turn to axe man?

  • this kin socks wey you wear today, i don dey suspect you!

It goes on and on. You end up having to wear the safe colours like brown, grey, or purple, pink, or lime green...it gets ridiculoser and ridiculoser.But I'm certain that in some similarly shitty school in a parallel dimension, even those colours are forbidden. How we go do? We wey be Jewmen. You may think it's stupid but people have been killed for wearing the wrong colours. Last year a guy was killed in a cult hit because he had a red shirt on. It's that bad.


So anyway, I went to Lagos and for once I could dress as colourfully as a pimp, but with slightly better taste. It was fun. I'm back to Earth and my earth tones now. And I'm back to the small off-campus apartment I share with my friend, a total megalomaniac bigot. I'm back to arguing with him and getting irritated by his attitude and frustrated with his absolute inability to have a logical argument. I didn't miss him at all when I was in Lagos. He gives me my respect and we live peacefully but I can't stand all that prejudice and bigotry even though it is rarely ever aimed at me. He's such a bully and I can't help but step in when he starts harassing someone. The boy too do. Did I mention that he's a misogynist as well. Thank God I have just a few months left to be in this school...can't wait.


In all the time I spent in Lagos(21 days), I had just one bottle of beer. It felt like I was cleaning out my system. It felt good. I've been back in Port Harcourt for less than a week and it seems my friends are intent on upsetting my blood-alcohol balance. It's crazy. These Port Harcourt boys can be notorious. I've danced in a restaurant (not a dancing resautrant, mind), been to a couple of parties, scaled the gate of my compound to get in at 3am (my landlord is an old soldier, I've seen his double barrel twice). I've had enough adventure. Time for school work now. Dem no go see me.


So it's good to be back, but there's work to be done. My sly neighbours upstairs are timing me- waiting for me to finish cooking so that they can come and visit. E no go happen. No be everyday be Christmas. I'll lock windows and eat while they watch me from outside, begging to come in. It's all fun though, na moving train we dey call dat one! We'll all laugh about it later, as they wait for their chance to do me back. Life is good.


19 comments:

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

lmao... i'm in blog love with your writing... especially since you're from my personal own ph... and your name is actually Porter deHarqourt... LOVES IT!!! man i cant wait to come back to that city... lmao@ ppl dressed in 12 inch heels... abeg no exaggerate... but dang i guess the nigeria i left has really changed sha... or perhaps my eyes were closed then... and yes what they're doing with restricting your colour combinations really is ridiculous... and please tell me they dont still have those 'dey bam' and 'dey wham' yeye cults... lmao... now that would be a joke... and na uniport you dey go?... and yes.. LIFE IS GOOD!!! and yay.. i'm first.. i am experiencing the joy and inner peace that comes with being first on a persons blog that you actually like... hehe... now i can go on and save the starving children in nova scotia... life reallllly is good...

יש (Yosh) said...

hahahaha, loving the Purple Haze City (PHC) and Las-Gidi descriptions...couldn't have said it any better...

RYC: Yes o, this time, I go follow this one lost if anything happen- NOT! :D

Nice blog, bro!

יש (Yosh) said...

about the color fiasco, me I de like rock black, custom-made, tight fits o and I no de send anybody! Let any idiots no cross me at all at all...

how come u drink only one bottle for all those times? Dem tie your bele?! :D

Just did a re-read... :)

pamelastitch said...

LOL!!

catwalq said...

my brother no shaking,
u go soon graduate...
about those who dress to go to the mall, if na only one wey dey and if na there the rich bobos and babes thay carry leg waka, wetin man go do.
the time when me i go, i laugh tire. the funny thing be say, besides food and film, people no too dey buy too much.

Porter deHarqourt said...

@overwhelmed...
...my sista, thanks for dropping by and leaving ur kind comments. good to know u liked the post. the city still dey manage move small-small. as for the dey bam and dey well cults, they r still very much active, mumu children. I'm RSUST not Uniport...is that ur alma mater? ur comment was really nice, thanks again...and yes, i'm wearing a brown t-shirt.

@Yosh...
...Bros i just decide say make i avoid their colours dey do my own tin b4 dem go put my name for their list...those guys r edgy and suspicious. me i no want wahala, but if dem front me one on one eh....hmmm, dem no go believe!

@pamelastitch...
...i take it u liked the post, yeah? and great blog u'v got going. i like ur style.

@catwalq...
...Amen o! i no fit wait to graduate. as for those Lagos people na mostly browsing dem dey do for mall, but all na activity sha. go places, see faces...that kin' tin.

wienna said...

laaaawwlu....dude, u're soooo mad funny. But what's d meaning of 'myogynist'?

Jaja said...

DidntI leave comments here...?
what are you doing with my comments porter??

Baroque said...

nice blog man...
...PH, talk about traffic & demented okada riders
...one bottle in 21days, blood go don enter your alcohol stream!
...Lagos people live for effizzi, imagine paying 10% service charge for over priced booze
...meanwhile, no dey spy your landlord, wich of him double barrel you see???

Ugo Daniels said...

Hehehehe, na real wa for your friends o! Hahahaha. I can totally understand them, and your modus operandi to avoiding them is quite...for lack of a better word, ludicrous :)

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

nah i never went to uniport... i got accepted for med but left before i signed the last papers or forms or whatever... i visited a time or two and it seemed like a fun school... i think port harcourt is one of my favorite cities in the world.. i have some good memories there... ngwa update(if you havent noticed yet... i'm a very demanding fan!!!)

femme said...

arent nigeran schools the best! i havent finished reading the whole article but knew i would love it when i saw 'Descendant of fisherfolk'. thats just plain brilliant
im loving ur blog. going back to read now

femme said...

guy me self i tire. i can understand chicks dressing to go to galleria as per say dem fit find chokor for that side. but the mall? for flakes sakes!

my bro was so exited to enter uni so he could go clubbing cos he loves to party but after his first semester we were surprised he still hadnt gone clubbing. he always used to drink a bit but now he's a bloddy fish. na boma do am that tin.
uniport na bad place men
and of course he came his first semester with a broken head

Porter deHarqourt said...

@ wienna...
...hey thanks for dropping by. a misogynist is a woman hater...i think!

@ Jaja...
...didn't see any comments..and no, i'm not a freedom-of-expression-limiting fascist

@ Baroque...
...no b small tin o1 the man don point me the gun b4...e say e tink say na burglar. these days i dey sing my own name as i dey scale the fence. i no dey for mistaken identity...and that was a crazy erotic poem on ur blog man.

@ Ugo D...
...whatever it takes to survive eh? and how far ur clubbing parole?

@ Overwhelmed...
...my person, yeah Uniport is a fun school. my friends there often need to be reminded that there is an academic aspect to being in school. i'm sure u would have had a nice time there, but anyway, u rn't complaining looking all fine and cheerful in ur oversized MAPLE LEAFS jersey.(our junior naija team get match near u. 10pm tonight naija time)
PS: na NEPA no wan allow me update...some crazy rationing. but let's see what tomorrow brings.

@ Femme...
...hey, that's Ph for u...and it is my considered opinion that people named Boma are generally a bad influence (yes, i go generalize!). i get one senior bros like that wey...

Nyemoni said...

Free booze? You so wish!

Nyemoni said...

ridiculouser and ridiculoser eh? tew funny for real!

AbujaBabe said...

You got mad jokes i swear.. "Highbrow" sooo funny i have had such a shitty day thank god i came across your blog i don laugh tire!..

Ciao..xx

Anonymous said...

I love love love the way you right. I be correct port harcourt babe o! But please tell me which one is ASSU? Is that a university? I only know Uniport and UST

Porter deHarqourt said...

@anonymous...
...correct babe, where u dey hide urself since?
ASUU is the union of academic staff of naija universities...na dem dey always go on strike.
me na UST i dey.