Friday, July 11, 2008

Mother Love

They’ll love you in L.A Mum, I just know it. The City of Angels will finally have a genuine piece of the divine. You will get an agent, and a trainer, and a bunch of lawyers and a business manager and a publicist. You will get a personal assistant and bodyguards and a personal stylist. You will have an accountant and a yoga coach and a number of charities you support. You will be a celebrity.

You will go on the Oprah show and talk about how great it is to hit the limelight after 50, and you and Oprah and the one billion or so women watching will have half a dozen Aha! Moments and then you’ll sing. You will teach Martha Stewart how to cook an African dish on National TV. Please Mum, keep it simple. Fry dodo, or if you must cook soup, let it be egusi. Oh, and small balls of eba for the swallowing Mum, small balls for the swallowing.

You will move into a big house with a pool and a history. You will remodel the house and reinvent yourself. Inspite of your strongest urges, you will become a vegan. You will finally lose the weight you gained from bearing three strong sons, and from gathering for yourself the largest chunks of meat and fat from every dish you cooked. You will live on the treadmill until you are thin enough to jog on the beach with your trainer and your bodyguards, and the paparazzi.



You will get a famous yogi-to-the-stars and dabble actively in Pilates. You will do your best to get your body in its best shape Mum, and then you will use other procedures to add and subtract as you see fit. But all things in moderation. do not forget Kanye's mother and our very own Stella. I trust you will exercise your judgement as you always have. And don't worry, there are surgeons who can be counted on to do a good job on the down low, very hush hush. They say discretion is the better part of L.A.

Hehehehehehe.

Even though you are an L.A-based celebrity, you will not forget Nigeria Mum. You will speak of the country of your birth with nostalgia, but not too much. Measured wistfulness, Mum. You will romanticize your childhood: the 10 mile, barefoot journey to school, your struggling mother, your days in the village choir, especially Sunday services when you would unfailingly bring the entire congregation of quasi-heathens to tears with your gospel solos. Mention as often as you can how grateful you are to be in the Land of the Free. Stay away from those Naija people in Houston. They are bad news. Speak favourably of Nigeria, but do nothing to shatter Western myths of impoverished Sub-Saharan Africa; the junkyard of pity, and aid. The bastion of famine, and conflict, and AIDS.



You Mum, will be the continent’s brightest export, brighter even than blood diamonds.

You will take a leaf from Hip-hop. You will ‘have a beef’ with an established and successful female singer, preferably black. I would have suggested Whitney Houston but it would be a waste of time. In short, forget all the African American singers. Forget Mariah, forget Diana, forget Patti, never mind Mary J. and don’t even think an uncomplimentary thought about Tina or Beyonce. You do not want to offend Oprah (way too powerful), and Jay-Z has been known to stab people.



Call out Makeba (for her perpetual mama-ness), or Sade (for her irritating sultriness), or Kidjo (for her suspicious man-ishness, and also for that nasty haircut) -in short, whoever has an album that’s showing up on the charts. If you go to France, be sure to say something really mean about Asa. If you are in London, try and record a song with Amy Winehouse, but make sure Mark Ronson produces it, and keep a bodyguard and a can of pepperspray close. That girl can be a handful. Then when you are safely back across the pond, tell a magazine or E! Entertainment news how horrible it was working with Amy.



Beef can do wonders for careers. Just go to Lagos and ask Ruggedman, that's if he's not in London performing. Don't listen to that crazy Afeni Shakur and Marsha Wallace telling sob stories they've been telling for many many decades. Since the 90's.



Then there will be Vegas and Broadway. I can see it now: your being approached to have your own reality show. We'll have giraffes and Zebras on the lawn, and there'll be constant bickering among us, your sons. Who knows, you may be seeing a nice gentleman at the time, and maybe we'll lety him feature on the show as well. Whatever you do in L.A. Mum, don't act like Mariah Carey and have a marrige that will be an embarassment to your boys. Don't carry on like Hulk Hogan's wife or Ivana Tramp.



We'll be instant stars, all of us. But first you'll have to get the Network to talk U.S Immigration into forgiving my past deportations and letting me back into the country. I look forward to my first authentic U.S visa.



I will tell you more later Mum. But you better believe it. Your time, our time has come. I guess all that tithing and praying and fasting has finally paid off. I hope you renewed your pasport as I told you to months ago. I swear on my mother's life, mum. They'll absolutely love you in L.A.



40 comments:

Afrobabe said...

So I am first everywhere today...lol..good omen..

Baroque said...

oh, afrobabe oh, why you rush like that na, you beat me to it...eheh, abeg oh, Porter, you don mad finish oh...this your 'mum', wahala go dey oh...if wishes were pussies, boys will fuck

Afrobabe said...

lmao @ from gathering for yourself the largest chunks of meat and fat from every dish you cooked. see ur head, are those not the privillages of giving birth??? Better do and buy her her jeep oh..

hahhahahhahahah..u don kolo finish, she is permitted to add and subtract bearing in mind ppl who died doing it…
deportations roflmao…and they say I dey kolo..

Afolabi said...

lol..I've even suspected Angelique kIdjo's manliness too, esp. with that hair cut. The manner she was looking at Joss Stone in their video was worrying (not that anything's wrong). Nice post though

Jaja said...

When Mama meets Naomi Campbell, she should remember to duck when ever the freak picks up a phone. She likes to fling stuff....

Good stuff...

elbaru trapu said...

Been a long time you've been off. But its good you're back. Nice piece.

dat one okrika girl...xyz said...

Chei I can't claim PH city anymore, you don kolo finish. I had to read this post twice, i now realize I'm not slow, your just crazy!


"You will live on the treadmill until you are thin enough to jog on the beach with your trainer and your bodyguards, and the paparazzi." --why suffer when you can get Dr. 90210 to suck out all the fat?

Charizard said...

hmmn...love the way ur able to craft words like this...u av it down 2 an art...

u aint no king of nowhere if u ask me....i crown u king of this space...

theicequeen said...

omgomgomg!!! finallyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!! and you choose to update on the day that im not stalkin you..be careful oh!!..lemme go and read joh

Mz. Dee said...

lmao!! dis was hilarious!

theicequeen said...

"You will live on the treadmill until you are thin enough to jog on the beach with your trainer and your bodyguards, and the paparazzi"...

i see that me nd dt one okrika gurl are crackin up over the same thing!!

lol at the amy winehouse thingy too..make she no catch your momsi after she tells E! that amy was horrible..:P

you don crase finish shaaa,but i lurv the way you write!!!the whole post was makin me smile, if i was to copy and paste the places that made me laugh, ill copy the whole damn post..

abeg dont leave us like that again oh!!

Nine said...

Definitely no beef with JayZ man,that guy's nuts.

Looking forward to seeing her on E!.Lol.

Jaycee said...

LOLLLL...

Did u win the visa lottery?

Loved this post!!!

Anonymous said...

Now that was nyce..
had me with a ridiculous smile on my face thru the read...
and after....
am certain it'll be here tomorrow..(the smile dat is!!)
So tell me is this story true, embellished truth, fiction or just anoda good read?? :-)
Candy

LG said...

hehehehehehehe
na wa 4 u o

Laura Adiba said...

haha..wow...lovely so beautifully written.

Porter deHarqourt said...

@afrobabe...
...hhrrrmmpphh, jeep ke! r u not aware of wjhat those gas-guzzling SUVs are doing to our dear planet.

na the latest prius i go give her...when that time reach.

PS: i dey watch u and ur expanding carbon footprint o.


@baroque...
...boys aren't doing to badly though, considering.


@afolabi...
...man, i seen the video. i know what you mean. i go like see wetin her husband resemble.



@jaja...
...you are so damn right. i will send my Mum a message post haste.


@elbaru...
...person of mystery, i never knew you'd notice my abscence. thanks for reading, and for your comments. i notice ur name reads UPART URABLE backwards ha!


@datoneveryfineokrikagirl...
...u can always claim the city my sister. as for the other thing, if na so u talk am, i gree.


@charizard...
...i go promptly add my new title to my profile: KING OF NOWHERE, and OF THIS SPACE. PAWN OF ALL!


@icequeen...
...knowing that i somehow had a hand in making you smile and laugh makes me feel very good with myself.
and i never left.


@mz. dee...
...glad you found it so


@nine...
...abeg help me tell her o!


@jaycee...
...i wish


@Candy...
...i thought u had finally run off with that fat man.
as for your question, what do you think?


@lg...
...wetin. eh? na u i dey ask...wetin?!



@laura adiba...
...muchos gracias

JD said...

Wonderful read... really hilarious!

Anonymous said...

Lol..
The fat man??
He wouldnt have me.. said i had "portharqort" written all over me..
so i'm bak tail-in-bwtn-my-legs.

I know wat i think.. wanna be sure it wat U intended..

Candy

Correctphbabe said...

I swear to God I did not understand this...but I love it 'cos it was funny and so you! When are you writing my own???

Afrobabe said...

lmao...carbon foot print kuh...

Porter deHarqourt said...

@jd...
...hey thanks jd.


@Candy...
...so u even have a tail. nice piece o' tail it must be. as for the other thing: great minds...


@correctphbabe...
...u tease u. me sef i no understand am. it was in my head for a couple of days and i had to get it out.
as for writing your own, i say wouldn't it be better if we wrote OUR own...together?


@afrobabe...
...that reminds me. have you got pretty feet?

geisha said...

now thats an ARTicle. loved it

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

PH man, you're back? This was a good one. Do update soon....

Anonymous said...

.. i know i know.. think alike. I'll let it rest! My tail's got feathers tis y its called a tail-feather.
You should update sha....... am waiting...

Candy

geishasong said...

hey- geisha's moved!
click to find me :)

badderchic said...

update o!

Te'me' said...

Wit ur confidence and description ehn? Mumsi go tk over oprah show o!

No wonder u dey worry!
u Write well..

Nice one man!

Te'me' said...

mind u first time here...

am goin 4 mo post

Te'me' said...

baroque hw horny can u be...?

dem plenty 4 romeo o!

badderchic said...

if you like dont update. psheeeeewww

rayo said...

ist tym hir

Jaja said...

This post is still here? Even four weeks after? na wa for some kin' people o..

badderchic said...

are you fighting in Georgia now? or the Russians have blown your brains out?

Waffarian said...

Ah! So mama finally won the lottery? We thank God. Tell her to avoid going for "cook outs"...all those bbqs...mba...aint for us.

bighead said...

Interesting post. Is yur mum really dis interesting?

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

PH, how na?

Afrobabe said...

update men...come onnnnnnnnnn

theicequeen said...

come, e be like say you like when i threaten you abi? i've come here every week, and have waited for an update in silence..e don do! updateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! i demand that you do in fact..or else! LOL! misssin you jare..come baaaack!!

Nyemoni said...

One word: AWESOME!