Saturday, November 10, 2007

Porter: A Brief History of Treason


I remember quite clearly when I was about 6 or 7, I got thoroughly scolded by my eldest sister for not keeping my room tidy. As she was leaving the room, I made a rude gesture (I show her waka) and she just so happened to turn around at that moment. She saw my hand mid-air, palm facing her, fingers extended, and a defiant look on my face. She came back and gave me a memorable beating. After that, I made it a policy to keep my rude gestures mental and unseen to the human eye.

There was another incident not too long after that. I had just emerged from the toilet. My sister called out from downstairs


‘Porter, what is that horrible smell?’


“Smell? I can’t smell anything”


“What do you mean you can’t smell anything? Did you just use the toilet?”


“Yes, but it didn’t even smell, and I flushed”


Next thing I knew, my sister was bounding up the stairs, handkerchief tied over her nose and mouth. In her right hand, a loaded canister of some lilac airfreshner, in her left, a can of Raid. I’ve never been able to figure out what the Raid was for…to kill germs? To further suppress the (imagined) stench? To prevent flies from finding ground zero? She began to spray away the moment she saw me in front of my room. I had to get out of the way.



She sprayed generously from both cans all the way to the bathroom, and then she went postal when she got inside it. I reckon she must have emptied both cans in there. After that, she ordered me to go and take a bath in my father’s bathroom.


“You’d better scrub yourself very well because I will inspect”


I was angry, and I contemplated another rude gesture but the memory of the last beating was still too fresh and raw in my mind and so I did as the dictator had ordered.


I got my chance for revenge a few days later. I waited until my sister had gone into the toilet one evening and then I took a can of Raid and started spraying away outside the door.


“Who is that?” she called out, startled. I kept quiet and went on spraying.


“I say who is there? Porter?”


“Yes, aunty” (she made us call her aunty in those days. Such was her tyranny)


“Porter what’s going on there?”


“Nothing aunty”


“What is that sound? What are you spraying?”


“I smelled something. I think there’s a dead rat around here. I’m spraying Raid because of the smell, and to kill the insects that will be looking for the rat”


She kept quiet for a while and then she said “you evil child, you had better leave that place before I come out and descend on you. In short, go and kneel down in my room and wait for me”


I was standing covering my mouth with one hand, trying not to laugh out loud. As I turned to go and observe my punishment, I couldn’t resist one final spray. There is no need to recount what happened when she came out of the toilet that day. But let’s just say that I didn’t receive any presents from my sister/aunty the following Christmas.


A couple of years later, my father’s lady friend found a note inside her car after one of her numerous overnight visits. The note was scribbled on a plain sheet of paper. Its message was simple, and the lettering was large and quite legible. It read:


GO AWAY YOU STUPID WOMAN. WE HATE YOU.

She almost fainted when she saw it. My father was not at home, and so she went upstairs to his study and began pacing until he got back. Downstairs, there was a buzz, we weren’t quite sure what had happened, we could only speculate.


After about 10 minutes, my father summoned the household to his study. He told us what had happened. The lady sat quietly, glaring at my older brother and me with hateful eyes. My father then began to narrow down the list of suspects. The cook had been busy all day, besides she was very fond of Madam. The gateman couldn’t write a single alphabet even if his life depended on it. Our cousins had just come from the village the previous day, and they could not have formed an opinion about the lady in so short a time. And so it went until the only two people standing in the study and facing the hateful gaze of the woman and the certain justice of my father were my brother and I.


My father then asked us to go and bring our school notebooks. After some handwriting analysis, my brother was fingered as the culprit. My father said even though he had ‘tried to be clever’ by changing the way he constructed his letters, his W’s were unchanged. My brother would be grounded for a week. He would write a letter of apology, in his original handwriting, to the lady, and wash her car whenever she came (and slept over). I thought I was off the hook until my father turned to me and said


“Porter, I notice the note says ‘we hate you’. I can only imagine that you and your brother had agreed on this”


“No, I didn’t…”


“Sharrap!” he barked, and then he went on. “You will also write a letter of apology”. With that, he dismissed us. I went to my room and even as my brother was biting the top of his biro, agonizing over what to write, I wrote a very brief letter that went something like this

Dear Aunty,
I am writing to apologise for the note you found in your car today. I am sorry that somebody in this house does not like you. I don’t know the person, but I would like the person.


The lady was furious when she read this. She took the note to my father and he summoned me once again. He read it aloud to me and asked me what I meant by ‘I would like the person’

“Oh!” I exclaimed, feigning surprise “It’s a mistake, I meant to say I would like to find the person”


“It’s a lie!” the woman screamed.


My father asked her to calm down and let him handle it.


“Now look here Porter, I know you are trying to be very clever. I am now convinced you were the brains behind that note even though your brother was the one who foolishly wrote it. You will go and write another letter of apology, this time without any mistakes. You are also banned from watching TV for a week.” I thought I saw just the slightest hint of a smile playing on my father's lips.


With that, he sent me away. He knew he had given me a very painful punishment. I still like to think that my father was somewhat amused by my treachery. He wasn’t a humourless man, and in his youth, he’d been a bit a rascal. There were rumours that he’d been the leader of a group that burned the blackbook back when he was in secondary school. I think he was secretly proud of my naughtiness.


As for his lady friend, she became very paranoid and she was always on our case from then onwards. However, about a year later, she had a major falling out with my father and the day she left, my brother and I were smiling broadly and waving mockingly as we opened the gate for her to drive out of our lives.

40 comments:

Tola said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tola said...

You are wonderful, really. I enjoy reading what you write and can only wonder how intriguing that mind of yours must be.



Ciao x

Zephi said...

omg....I was laughing my ass of, I even had to tell the story to my friend beside me...you were very misschevious and smart as well.. gotta love it...lolz

fluffycutething said...

ROFL....

what a way to start my week!!!

Na wa

Correct PH babe said...

Funny piece. I'm still waiting...

ibilola said...

"but i would like d person" - lawling mehn.

hope sey dis rascally behaviours don comot 4 ya body.

Obinwanne said...

nawa oohh.....u dey make me laf gan.....i cant stop laffing at the mistake in the apology letter

princesa said...

Mischievous porter! kai!!! You guys must have really hated ur dad's girlfriend.

That ur sister reminds me of me sha,lol!

Anonymous said...

Nice one darlyn.. u hit the spot... everytime (tut...tut.. i dont mean dat spot!!!)
Candy

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

Hahahaha...no wonder you took TK's side and called his actions "naughty and nice"! You ere a scoundrel like him!

Hahaha, there are tears falling from my eyes. Nice!!

Anonymous said...

hope ur fictionalizing ur shit guy. there's no time to waste shey u understand. plenty of stories waiting to be told, this private journal stuff by itself is a waste of talent.

anonymous gal said...

tah anonymous go jump into well. i loved the write up. laffin ma ass of.

NIGERIA POLITRICKS said...

class act hillarious!

L.I. Ang said...

That was one funny entry! Hillarious and naughty. I could have pictured the look in her eyes when she read the note. A clever prank.. Someday, you'd look back and smile at your own kids when they remind yourself of your youth..

Jaycee said...

LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL...

Almost fell off my bed...lol.

Porter deHarqourt said...

@tola...
...i'm moved by your comment. i really am. as for my mind, it's untidy for the most part.

@zephi...
...hey glad u loved it enuff to share. thanks for stopping by zephi.

@fluffy...
...and i hope the week ends on an even better note.

@correct ph babe...
...stop teasing and do the write thing. i have an email address *hint hint*

@ibilola...
...e still dey small.

@obinwanne...
...hey man, how things? exams don finish?

@princesa...
...we didn't hate her so much but some times she been dey overdo.
as for my sister, she got better to live with as i grew older and got taller than her.

@Candy anon...
...don't even start with that...lol!

@solomonsydelle...
...no harm in a little naughtiness abi...i loved 'it was easier when...' totally!

@anonymous...
...???

@anonymous gal...
...i take it u r not the gal of the previous anon. thanks for stopping by.

@nigeria politricks...
...glad u liked it. thank u.

@i.i. ang...
...thank you for stopping by here. and you are so right, the future, the past, the present...how different are they really?

@jaycee...
...hey, thank goodness u didn't actually fall eh? lol!

CATWALQ a.k.a LAGBA-JESS said...

This post was a humourous breath of fresh air

Jaja said...

Sharp guyn.. too funny...

Felt exactly like my house...

Observing punishment!

Zephi said...

so when you gonna like update or somnthing ? lolz

30+ said...

MISCHEVIOUS. I LIKE

Afrobabe said...

LMAO...shit...should have pasted a large GOOD BYE note at the gate...


The killer part of the story....you spraying back.lolololl

Mommy said...

buhahahahahahahahahahah
Wow...I can only imagine and picture the scenario of your elder sister dealing with you. It wasn't tyranny my guy...she helped in moulding you into what you are now, so quickly go say thank you to her. I have a hint that you visit the loo with a spray now anytime you visit to nuetralise the stench....I lie? hahhahahaha
And that your Dad's lady friend...na God save una. She would have dealt with your asses. hahhahahahah!!
Hey man! You been tagged. You can visit my blog for details.

simplynuttie said...

Nice blog.
Naughty you.

badderchic said...

i still havent changed my mind, will you marry me?

Nyemoni said...

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahaha! I really cannot stop laughing Porter...You really have lightened my mood with this one...How are you?

Nyemoni said...

Oh! And yes I remember the days we used to say waka, shege damburuoba..LOL...

KayTei said...

Hahaha, I absolutely loved it. This is the first time I've read your blog but I'll definitely be back for more.

theicequeen said...

omg, i just read the first post, and thet 8 things thing..and i love this blog...its definetely going on my list of "read everyday" blogs...l8az

Ubong Da said...

oh boy u dey very mischievious o!. shoo u no go allow ur old man enjoy im sef afteral you go soon do pass am, make we bet?

princesa said...

UPDATE O!
Abi those bad guys don kidnap you?lol!

femme said...

omg! i havent read the whole post, but the exact same thing happened to me too as a child. my sister just scolded me and as she walked way, i 'showed' her waaka and she turned around and saw it.
now, that was a very interesting fight.

femme said...

guy na wa to u!
that was really funny. the girl friend sef no try. madam reporter!

hows school?

CATWALQ a.k.a LAGBA-JESS said...

we are in December

2ndCorin5:17 said...

UPDATE! UPDATE!! UPDATE!!!!!

badderchic said...

and you havent updated because?

cally-waffybabe said...

Just to wish you a lovely xmas and new year in advance dude. I hope you have a swell time and may all your dreams be fulfilled.

Hugs
xxx

Anonymous said...

Porter...ohh porter.. when will u update???

Afolabi said...

this was really funny...even at that age, you were really witty.

Baroque said...

that your sista fit you well well...imagine you dey spray insecticide when she dey shit...she for lock you inside the toilet when she finish...meanwhile, i trust you as correct PH boy to do your would-be-stepmother like that...even your Pops sef no good...very hilarious story

rethots said...

....innocently began to read, only to realise the writer writes beautifully. It almost put me in trouble (thank God for my hands), laughing without caution on my desk. You write beautifully.

You sure must have been brutal, your sister was magnanimous to spray a combo of LAILAC airfreshner & raid but, not you. You sprayed only raid, haba... A house of wits & fun.